I am SO far from perfect it's not funny. I have made choices I never dreamed I'd make in the past few years. Often I don't even feel the existence of God let alone the 'close personal relationship'. I have experienced extreme depression and turned to all the wrong things and people. Through all of this I have learned A LOT. I have learned nothing and I mean nothing is black and white. I have learned to never give up on people and that you have to make your own mistakes.
Looking back I realize just how 'innocent' I was for so long. I always thought I wasn't good enough but the truth is I had everything in line. My biggest downfall back then? My sarcasm. And to be honest that is a giant grey spot in my mind. In the generation I live in sarcasm isn't just a trend it's a necessity. I literally don't know a single person who doesn't constantly use it but in my home life it is completely not understood. I am constantly screwing up because of my sarcasm. I may not be perfect and the things I say may not be 'right' but looking back now and realizing that was my worst problem mystifies me.
Even starting college I stayed on the innocent side of the fence. I stayed in church. I was out late a lot but mostly watching movies or sitting at Cyber Cafe. I went to a couple parties my first couple years of college but I never drank or did anything, I simply attended. It was when I started realizing that people at those parties were closer and better friends than the people at any church I had ever been to that things started changing in my life. I was struggling with depression and I'm not the type to cry or talk it out so I just kept it in. I started hanging out with more people and having more friendships. The more friends I got the more I realized how superficial my relationships within the church were. I started slacking off on going to church and it just 'confirmed' my beliefs no one cared when I never heard from anyone.
I can't honestly tell you when the switch happened. I assume just like anything else a slow fade. I can quote one of my favorite songs to say "It's a slow fade when you give yourself away... Thoughts invade, Choices are made, a Price will be paid... People never crumble in a day." Looking at my life now and the choices I have made in the past I am confident I am doing better. Do I still drink? Yes. Am I drunk and out making mistakes constantly anymore? No. I wish I could list all the mistakes I've made in my life but it wouldn't matter. It's worse than I ever thought my life would get and yet I thank God daily for it never getting as bad as I have seen others.
I think one of my biggest downfalls and greatest strengths in life is my ADHD. I was diagnosed young but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am ADHD. I haven't been on meds since I was a kid but it's a constant struggle. I wish people understood ADHD because it is more than you think. It's hard to deal with on a daily basis. Basic 'symptoms' include...
- zoning out without realizing it-even mid conversation.
- extreme distractibility- wandering attention makes it hard to focus on anything
- difficulty paying attention or focusing
- struggling to complete tasks- even simple ones.
- tendency to overlook details- often having errors or incomplete work
- poor listening skills- hard time remembering conversations and following directions.
It makes even friendships hard in my life. I forget plans made. I'm constantly running late. I hate it so much. I don't like 'excuses' but I truly wish I could convey how hard ADHD makes every day life. I don't think I have EVER remembered to return a movie, library book, etc on time. I have trouble focusing on school or remembering all the things I need to accomplish. I am constantly messing things up, forgetting things. I often feel like a total failure.
Stemming from that most people don't know that there are other sides to ADHD. For instance most people don't know what Hyperfocus is. It is a coping mechanism that most people with ADHD deal with. While most things are hard to focus on for people with ADHD, other things completely engross them. For instance they can become so focused on a book, TV show, or even a blog that they lose track of time and neglect other obligations. This can cause problems in daily life because it leads to chronic lateness.
Some of the most common problems that ADHD people have include...
- tendency to procrastinate
- forgetting appointments, commitments, and deadlines.
- constantly losing or misplacing things
- underestimating the time it takes to complete tasks.
- poor self-control
- frequently interrupting others
- act recklessly or spontaneously without thought of consequences
- have addictive tendencies
- trouble sitting still, constant fidgeting
- tendency to take risks
- get bored easily
- racing thoughts,
- doing a million things at once
I say all this to say that it takes a toll on me. A constant wear. Did you know that a person with ADHD is six times more likely to have depression and anxiety than an average person. In fact actual symptoms of it include
- sense of under-achievement
- doesn't deal well with frustration
- easily stressed out
- mood swings
- trouble staying motivated
- hypersensitivity
- short, explosive, temper
- low self-esteem
All of this brings me back to why I ended up in such a bad place in my life. I was struggling in college. I was a 'failure' to my family. I screwed up even the simple things I was told to do. I lost more than one job and I couldn't hold it together anymore. Did I make the right decision? No of course not but I learned a lot about me and others.
I also learned where my strengths are and how to channel some of all of this. I took my temper and pushed it into martial arts. I found a passion and a dedication. I put my hyperfocus towards that. I found a group of friends that I can use what I'm good at to help. I love TKE and [epic] with all of my heart. I can organize parties and events. I can help with cooking dinner for an entire fraternity and making gift bags for things like midterms, spring break, and new pledges. It gives me a sense of accomplishment I can't find anywhere else.
I'm still working on things and I have A LOT more to figure out but that's what college is about... It's about failing 800 times and picking the pieces up and finding out who you really are and I'm me. I'm sure as hell not perfect but I'm passionate and fun. I'm figuring things out day by day. I'm.... [[Just Meags]].
&& to end this blog a line from a song that literally defines me...
I aint the kind you take home to mama.
I aint the kind to wear no ring.
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink.
Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes.
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say "God Bless."
'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand a heart like me. <3
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