Broken Relationships

The problem with relationships is there are two sides. No one sees both sides. No one is completely willing to admit it was their fault and usually it's not. You mess up. They mess up. You hurt them. They hurt you... but how do you fix things when one of the people in the relationships is so broken they can't even talk without completely blaming you. I am NOT perfect. Dear God... I'm so far from it it's not funny. I'm a college student. I have been in and out of church. I have done almost everything I always swore I wouldn't but I'm learning and I'm growing up. Call it an excuse if you need but that's what college is for. At some point you have to realize that just because you aren't doing what makes someone else proud doesn't mean they shouldn't support and love you without judgements. The more condemned I have felt for my mistakes... the more mistakes I have made. Is that right? Hell no! But it's true. You learn from your mistakes. I realize that parents always want their children to not have to learn the hard way but at some point... We do have to learn the hard way. For me doing things is how I learn. I've always been a hands on learning which makes sense to me as why I have done the things I have. I don't know at what point I ended up as hurt and broken as I am but I can pinpoint different trigger points. Number one... Quitting church. No doubt about that to me. When I stopped going my life changed. Do I have a reason for not going? Eh. A few. They may be just excuses but I have them. When my family moved to TN we moved from church to church. I never got connected like I was back home. I never found my support system or the "right" friends. The people who stuck by me were not the ones I saw in church for a while before we switched churches and your friends are a HUGE influence to you whether you admit it or not. When I did go back to the church I felt closest to I felt judged and condemned. Like my mistakes made me not good enough... putting me back in the same vulnerable place I was. So I just walked away. At this point in my life I am starting back at church and talking to some of my old support system back home but that's a rebuilding point. Okay number two... My family is amazing... Do NOT get me wrong when I speak honestly here... I grew up an only child with my dad military. My dad wasn't gone as much as most military families so I didn't have to deal with that much. My mom loves me in the best way she knows how and I have always had them to go to when things really suck. Having said that... things were never perfect either (who has that?!). I always thought when we moved here there was this drastic change but I think I just romanticized the past. I have a family member who deals with mental and emotional problems that have affected me in ways I never realized till I got out. They have dealt with depression my whole life as well as what I always assumed was bipolar but after some therapy and long talks with an amazing women in my life I have learned it was borderline personality disorder. Let me start with an explanation of BPD and how it can affect a child...
"The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self image, and emotions."
Symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationship. (Usually alternating between extremes of idealizing someone and devaluation of that person.)
• Identity disturbance (Unstable self-image)
• Impulsiveness (spending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior
• Emotional Instability
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger
• Transient stress-related paranoid thoughts

Almost all which are true in my family situation. I went for a visit recently to my hometown and was reminded of so many stories by close friends that pulled up memories that were earlier signs that I could remember. The part that I identify the most with is the extremes between idealization and devaluation. I never though I wasn't loved. I just didn't understand how sometimes no matter what I did... It wasn't good enough. Sometimes I was considered "the best daughter", one that they were proud of and simply adored even when I was doing wrong but other times even if I wasn't doing anything wrong I was resented and told I never did anything right. It just made no sense to me until I learned that they really couldn't help it. The problem at this point is... the relationship is broken. I am the ONLY one who did wrong and I don't know that I can just lay down and accept that anymore. If my family no matter how much I want things back the way they were is unable to go ask for help and try to fix things in their mind in order to fix things with me... Do I go back and apologize for my side when I know I'll only be condemned and not apologized to as well.... I think the final confirmation to me that it really wasn't all my fault like I though was when I came across this...

"To the family members BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive- something like this:

• You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad.
• You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family members acts perfectly normal and very loving.
• Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you.
• You are accused of things you never did or said.
• You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions.
• You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard.
• You feel manipulated, controlled and sometimes lied to.
  

Now like I said I know I've done wrong... a lot actually but the problems comes when the lines are blurred. Sometimes I do something wrong but so much more is believe than is true. I end up trying to hide it all so that it doesn't get to that extreme point. It hurts. It makes no sense as to why sometimes I can mess up and be loved and supported while other times even if I am not wrong I am treated in this way. It's so confusing and heartbreaking. What hurts the most is knowing the relationship this family member has with their mother and how it turned out. The day I realized the similarities was the day I confronted this family member with everything I had been hurt by including they day they told me they resented me and they said that had never done any of those things or said them. The same situation happened with this family member and their mom... I cried that day feeling like all hope was lost... I could see the future laid out in front of me... I think I'm rambling at this point but I just need to get it all out... I found today the affect that this kind of relationship can have on children such as I was as they grow up...

• "Afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of true self to include inferiority complex. They don't believe they make mistakes because they believe they are mistakes"
• "Fear of intimacy and tend to avoid real relationships. Tend to keep one foot out the door prepared to run."
• "Frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. Feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections."
• "Frequently alternate between blaming others before they can be blamed and debilitating guilt, tendency to apologize constantly, and assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them."
• "Pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives even when surrounded by those who care."
• "Tendency to attack the qualities in other they hate in themselves in sarcasm or harsh tones."
• "Internalized beliefe they must do all things perfectly or not at all leads to anxiety and procrastination."
• "Tendency to alternate between need for someone to depend on and complete independence without trust in others."

And those are only the ones I can see in myself. It scares me to be honest....

So what do I do from here? Who do I talk to? How do I fix me and my family relationship? I've cried a lot. I've prayed a lot. I've screamed a lot. I've been depressed, angry, empty... but where do I go from here? Cause I sure as hell am out of ideas...